Anal Aquarium » The Onion

Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 04:14:29 +0000

Ford says the ‘93 Taurus is the only car to drive in 2010, and they think Americans will have no other choice but to agree….

Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 04:14:29 +0000

Honors student Rebecca Bunten died in the crash today, leaving the nation to wonder why the grisly experience of burning alive was not reserved for……

Fatal Staples Center Collapse Brings Merciful Early End To Clippers Game

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 04:14:29 +0000

People are breathing a sigh of relief today for the long-suffering spectators’ sudden deaths, and for the total elimination of the Clippers’ roster off the face of the earth….

Finding Masculine Halloween Costumes For Your Effeminate Son

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 04:14:29 +0000

Anna Stephenson stops by Today NOW! to show parents of girly sons costume tips to survive Halloween without accentuating their child’s already obvious homosexuality….

Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again By Sneezing During Meeting

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 04:14:29 +0000

In The Know panelists call Biden’s decision to sneeze in the middle of a high level policy meeting ‘disgusting’ and ‘completely inappropriate.’…

Congressman’s son won’t shut the hell up during hearing

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 07:37:31 +0000

Congressman Eisley conducts hearing on Market Data Protection Reform, restrains self from murdering five year old son….

White house reveals obama is bipolar, has entered depressive phase

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 05:38:26 +0000

White House officials admit Obama’s extreme confidence and total euphoria over “hope” and “change” were symptoms of a prolonged manic episode….

Advocacy group decries peta’s inhumane treatment of women

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 05:38:26 +0000

Women Deserve Better says PETA abuses defenseless, simple-minded women by forcing them to remove their clothing and participate in humiliating……

Google opt out feature lets users protect privacy by moving to remote village

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 05:38:26 +0000

Web users who choose to move to the desolate village are guaranteed an environment free from Google products and natural light from the sun….

Babysafe ball makes shaking infants guilt and injury free

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 05:38:26 +0000

Designed with the frustrated, sleep-deprived parent in mind, the BabySafe Ball can withstand shaking, stabbing, and claims you wish it had never been born….